Pants, wine and the postpartum posterior.
We were going out to dinner,
And I thought, “I’d look much thinner
In the pants that stick my stomach to my spine”
But then I reconsidered,
As I’d want to stuff my gizzard
Full of steak and chips and cheese and cake and wine
So I found a dainty thong,
That I’d worn in days long gone
Lack of cloth would give my gut room for manoeuvre
But little did I know,
(I’d last worn thongs long ago)
Having kids had made my rear a big thong hoover
‘Plan Thong’ was misbegotten,
So, it extracted from my bottom,
I took action that made good sense to me
I’d sod the looking thinner,
I’d gorge myself at dinner
To aid digestion, I’d leave the house pants free
What a terrible mistake,
For after steak and chips and cake
I was the only one partaking in the wine
I fell right off my chair,
And my peachy derrière
Was all that could be seen for quite some time
Now I don’t want to sound vulgar,
But steak, chips and a vulva?
That’s not the dinner my companions had in mind
And now I’m finding I’m much thinner
Because my invites out to dinner
Are returned to me, invariably declined
Cogito Ergo Mum 
That’s brilliant!
LikeLike
Thank you – that means a lot. I was nervous about posting it. But I really enjoyed writing it.
LikeLike
ROFL! Loving it 😀
LikeLike
Thank you so much!!!
LikeLike
THAT is hilarious! The whole thong thing passed me by personally but have seen enough at a distance for me to be able to imagine it perfectly – true or not:) You’re up there with Wendy Cope on the talent front.
LikeLike
A very very big thank you for your very generous comment.
I trust that you now remain convinced that thongs really are not worth the bother.
LikeLike
Do write some more and send them off to a publisher.
LikeLike
I think maybe I will give it a go – thank you for the encouragement and kind words.
LikeLike
This is freaking genius! I laughed so much!
LikeLike
Thank you very much. I’m pleased I could give you some giggles.
LikeLike
Brilliant! I love it. Beautifully written, vulgar bits and all. Thanks for the laughs!
LikeLike
Relieved to have not offended. And delighted to have amused,
LikeLike
I LOVE that! Bloody brilliant, you’ve got a real talent for poetry. I know what you mean about being more nervous posting more creative stuff – I’ll blog about anything quite happily, but the stuff I’ve actually made up myself? Nyyyyyeaaahhhh. Feels like you’re putting yourself out there a bit too much.
LikeLike
Thanks so much Lucy. I didn’t quite realise how ‘needy’ I am in when it comes to posting things – I breathe a huge sigh of relief when I get positive feedback. So, thanks again for your kind words. They encourage me to try more and more things out that push me out of my comfort zone.
LikeLike
Brilliant! I posted a poem recently too. I wrote it in 10 minutes and ‘polished’ it aka ‘edited’ it in 5. Not particularly humourous but while you’re in the poetry mood, have a look http://tinyurl.com/pdcj8tq (not intending to be spammy…).
LikeLike
Thank you! And I will certainly take a look at what you have done – getting the bug for this writing lark!
LikeLike
I enter a lot of competitions and love writing poems too.It’s a great poem, shame you didn’t win.
LikeLike
It was a shame but there were some really good entries so i am not disheartened. I find coming up with the idea of what to write poems about tricky, so I really like the comps as they often give you a theme. Maybe ‘see’ you at a competition 2014.
LikeLike
haha, very original and funny poem – i never expected that ending!
LikeLike
Thank you. I find the endings extra tricky so your comment means a lot. Hope 2014 is a good one for you and yours.
LikeLike
It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud – brilliant!
LikeLike
Why thank you very much. Your blog makes me laugh lots! Have a great new year.
LikeLike
This made me smile!
Have you ever tried reading it out loud and recording it? I’m sure it would sound great! Audioboo provides a very simple way to do this if you’re brave enough to give it a go!
LikeLike
I thought about recoding the last poem I did but I did chicken out. I will check out audioboo though….one day….maybe… Happy new year.
LikeLike
This is very funny. Well done for being brave enough to post it 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you! Have a great new year.
LikeLike
Hilarious, love it!
LikeLike
Thank you . And happy new year!
LikeLike
Genius! Thong hoover!
LikeLike
😉 . Hee hee
LikeLike
Oh that’s brilliant! Such wonderful imagery! 😉
LikeLike
Thank you. I’m concerned I could be giving people quite disturbing dreams.
LikeLike
OMG *tries to remove image from mind* Very clever and funny!
LikeLike
Thank you. Hope images not too disturbing!
LikeLike
Just brilliant. You should have won!
LikeLike
Thank you 🙂
LikeLike