She who writes posts on the importance of loving your money needs to practice what she preaches. As such, this week has been consumed by a feverish review of finances. So far £600pa has been shaved off our living expenses. This has been achieved by performing the ridiculous customer/insurance-provider dance that is the Renewal-Time-Tango. There has been so much dancing, my feet now hurt.
You know the tune of this dance: it’s a chirpy cheeky feet stomper of a melody that gets blared out to new customers, all who leave the disco with full wallets and carrying free gifts. But for us loyal types, who have been hanging around the dance floor for over a year or two, the tune shifts to a minor key, and we start to get carelessly shafted.
The experiences I endured whilst being forced to perform this sordid little renewal-dance led me to reflect (there is a lot of time to reflect while on hold), how the shafting is of the variety that only insurance companies and regretted ex-lovers are able to administer. Admittedly, an insurance company and a failed relationship may not have much in common on the surface. Yet there are no two encounters more able to leave one feeling used, unsatisfied, and very very sad.
Trust me, the parallels are stark. So here, for any large insurance provider professing to want our continued custom, and any person wondering why their personal relationships keep failing, here is a handy list of ‘do’s and ‘don’ts’.
Do’s and don’t for [retaining customers/ensuring a loving and fulfilling relationship with another human being*] *delete as appropriate
- DO Pick up the phone. Promptly. We know you are there.
- DON’T ask us to call if you are too busy to talk to us.
- DO return our calls when you say you will.
- DO respond to our emails. Or tell us never ever to send you an email. Or better still, just don’t give us your email address if you don’t want us to use it.
- DO not call us if we ask you not to call us. We mean it.
- DON’T lie to us. We know you can offer us better than that.
- DON’T expect us to be delighted when, at a later date, you tell us you can offer us better than that.
- DON’T keep sending new people who you fancy, who to date have shown no interest in you, vague promises of Twenty Five Pounds worth of supermarket vouchers in an attempt to woo them.
- DO send us Twenty Five Pounds worth of supermarket vouchers. I know we’ve been together for a while, but it would be nice to be appreciated every now and then. Even if it is only sodding supermarket vouchers.
- DO realise that if you put us through all of the above, we will need more than 14 days to cool off…
- ….we will also tell all of our friends about how dissatisfied you left us…..
- …..it won’t be pretty…..
- ……. size (of premium or whatever else we are discussing here, I am getting confused) does matter. This will be discussed. Lots…..
- ………in graphic detail and all over social media.
- DO understand that once we leave, we won’t come back, however tempting an offer you present to us in the future.
Understood? Good. Because my feet hurt. And my wallet hurts. And I don’t want my heart broken anymore. Or to have to be put on hold again. Or to stretch this analogy any further.
I’m lucky enough to have a husband who is happy for me to sit the odd dance out now and again, and to even rub my feet while we are sat there. Now I just need to find an insurance company who will do the same. Any offers?