Dear Your Royal Highness
Myself and my colleagues here at the made up Think Tank known as O Hit Moos* are eager to advise you of the outcomes of our recent survey.
In a nutshell, Your Majesty, our survey indicates that you should consider running in the 2015 General Elections. Based on the outcomes of our in-depth, highly researched survey*, we are pretty sure you have a good chance of winning.
I won’t lie, Ma’am, me and the rest of the O Hit Moos Think Tank Group were most surprised by the outcomes of this survey. For years we have been passionate supporters of democracy, equality for all citizens, and earning one’s status through merit and hard work, rather than silver spoons and inherited privilege.
We thought a group of capable and committed politically minded folk in power via the consensus of an educated electorate was the way to achieve our aims. Turns out we might have been wrong. Somehow, the people we have elected undermine our democracy, care not a jot for equality, and have earned their status not through merit or hard work, rather via silver spoons and inherited privilege.
Ironic, don’t you think?
So if we are going to be governed by over privileged toffs, we would rather that the toffs of which we speak were respected, capable, and generally cared a little about this land currently devoid of hope and glory. We think you could be the woman for that job.
We do have a few reservations with this most surprising ‘Vote Monarchy’ suggestion. For example, you and your collective are hardly representative of the amazingly diverse community that is the UK. But let’s face it, what political party is? At least you aren’t UKIP. Or the National Front. Or the Front Nationals. Or the Front Bottoms. Or the Back to Fronts. Or the Nazis. Or whatever it is people scared of other people call themselves nowadays (don’t worry, our experts-in-spin can put the Edward VIII problem down to him being a black sheep. All families have them).
You seem able to get on with people from all walks of life (although we accept we may need to work on Philip’s marketability). The Philip issue aside, working people love you, people on benefits love you, rich people love you, bigoted people – either of the shaved head or Farage variety – love you, people who like street parties love you, people who like the Olympics love you, charitable folk love you, the armed forces love you, children love you, the sick love you. You get the picture?
We suspect that the die-hard democratic idealists may be a bit taken aback by these proposals. However, if you were in charge because we had all voted for you, they could hardly complain. In the meantime, we have a quote that those right-on-rascals might like, and that could also serve as a handy election slogan
It’s not the power that She represents, it’s the power that She prevents**
Under your leadership, even European countries might develop a soft spot for us again. Imagine if you walked in to Brussels as our London MEP. Merkel would be crapping her pants. They’d give you the scissors to cut all that red tape. You’re good at cutting tape and ribbons and all of that aren’t you?
We are not entirely sure how you can help address the Russian issue. Or Syrian issue. Or Afghanistan issue. Or all the other issues we are currently floundering with. On the plus side, American Presidents adore you, so perhaps now and then they will take your lead on who to invade rather than visa versa. You’re already so rich and powerful, they won’t be able to corrupt you with the lure of oil, yachting holidays, or high fees on the guest speaker circuit.
There is more, much more. Charles has the environmentalist votes covered. You give a majestic nod to the women vote. Kate ticks the vote of the common people. Indeed, since the arrival of Kate us commoners can now see we have more chance of marrying into the Monarchy than we ever have of becoming part of the Cabinet. You could, peculiarly, pave the way towards that level playing field that has evaded us for so long.
We are sensitive to the fact that the running of the whole country has not always ended well for your relatives. But how about this for an idea: you bring a bit of X Factor type hype to the Queen’s speech every Christmas (Ant and Dec, buzzers, phone votes), and we won’t ever chop off your head. How could we? We will be too enthralled!
Finally, what are the long-term benefits for you? Well, to be honest, once you are voted in you could probably get away without holding an election ever again. Most of your citizens can’t be arsed to vote anyway, so they wouldn’t mind if you just told them not to bother.
And there you have it, Bob’s your Uncle, George’s your Father, bing bang bosh, jobs for life for your lineage for generations to come.
In summary , we think the Monarchy Party, the real ‘MPs’, have a great opportunity to get back in charge of this funny little Island. What do you say? Let me know. I’ll get the bunting ready in anticipation.
God save us, gracious Queen
Yours, your faithful subject
Cogito Ergo Mum
* “O Hit Moos” is the acronym for the “Our House in the Middle of Our Street” Think Tank. Attendees at the steering committee, that was an impromptu meeting held over the May Bank Holiday, may or may not have consumed a few bottles of cheap red while developing these proposals. We by no means speak for everyone. Or even anyone. We just want people to vote, and we want to vote for someone who puts the good of the country, and the wonderful variety of people who live in it, and its global responsibilities ahead of their strange little personal agendas. Anyone out there with any better views on how this can be achieved, then get in touch.
**I think this is a famous quote but I don’t know the source. Any ideas?