How To Be A Parent: 20 sure-fire ways to guarantee* happy, well-adjusted children

*honest <lies>

Here is what you should do in order to provide the best for your children, to ensure that they are healthy and happy and that they grow up to be good and successful adults.

What follows is the information I have gathered from my 38 years experience of being alive and my 13 cumulative years of parenting, presented to you in a concise, easy to follow list. I’ve read books, watched documentaries, listened to Woman’s Hour. I have done my research, so you don’t have to.

Brace yourself. You are about to become the best parent ever:

  1. Get pregnant when you are not too young but not too old. The optimum time to give birth is when you are 27 years, 6 months, and 4 days old. Anything else would be irresponsible to society, the economy, yourself, your baby, your family, or possibly all of the above.
  2. Enjoy every minute of the painful, sometimes frightening, sometimes bewildering, sometimes life-threatening experience of childbirth, or risk damaging that bond between you and your child for all eternity.
  3. Never put your baby down.
  4. Don’t spoil your baby with cuddles.
  5. Dictate a minute by minute routine to your child to be 100% for-sure for-certain that you have a baby that sleeps through* from the age of 2 weeks old. Your tiny child who is yet to form its own thoughts, ideas, or sense of self is the best person to ask what this routine should be – be led by them.
  6. Breast is best. Unless you think it’s not. Then it’s fine not to. But it’s not really.
  7. Baby-led weaning is definitely undoubtedly, indubitably the best way to introduce solids to your baby’s diet. As is spoon-feeding them puree.
  8. They should have five portions of fruit and veg a day. Or 10. But never grapes. And definitely not raisins, for they are really just baby-cocaine. And actually, make that primarily veg, not so much the fruit. And never ever the fruit juice. That is the work of the devil. But one portion of fruit juice is fine. Perhaps. Or is it….
  9. The sun is the enemy of that delicate skin: hats, shade, covered in clothes and factor 50, please.
  10. Ensure they have sufficient vitamin D so they don’t get rickets. Note, the best form of vitamin D is direct exposure to sunlight.
  11. They require fresh, organic, produce, with a good variety of oily fish and prime cuts of meat, or their brains will seize up and will be the size of walnuts and just won’t work.
  12. If you can’t afford fresh, organic, produce with a good variety of oily fish and prime cuts of meat then don’t go moaning at me love. Get out the rice and lentils and learn to make 3-course meals from leftovers and a packet of cuppa soup. Never did me any harm.
  13. Let them share your bed so they know they are loved.
  14. Let them have their own cot and own room and shut the door so they know they can love themselves and self soothe.
  15. Destroy all dummies, but let your child have one if you feel appropriate.
  16. Telly is evil. Unless it is not evil. Then it is fine.
  17. Don’t rush them into potty training. They will do it in their own time when they are good and ready. To pressure them could give them anxiety issues well into adulthood (did I tell you that all mine were clean and dry and wiping their own arses by the time they were nine months old?).
  18. They should have time to play freely, to be bored, and to also attend breakfast clubs, after school clubs, rugby tots, singy songy tots, swimming tots, and three languages by the time they are five tots.
  19. They will be more successful and learn quicker if they start in a good preschool environment from the age of 2, but be warned if they start in education before they are 7 they will grow up loveless, heartless bastards.
  20. Still struggling? Things still not going as you imagined? Child still not behaving quite as you expected? Go see a doctor – it’s probably a virus.

It couldn’t be clearer.

Could it?

*’The author notes that ‘sleep through’ is defined as between the hours of 11pm to 1.30 am. Seriously, how much sleep do you need?

_____________________

If you are a fan of myth busting writing then try Southwark Belle’s blog  Here is an extract from her about page:

“Since becoming a Mummy I’ve discovered just how much contradictory information, dubious science and outright nonsense is thrown at parents. This blog is my response.”

203 thoughts on “How To Be A Parent: 20 sure-fire ways to guarantee* happy, well-adjusted children

    • himnmeinbed says:

      and here i thought I was doing it right..oh wait i am.. i think.. i dont know anymore… this was great some people need to read this and realize that parenting is a learning process and different for each parent and each of their own children. I have three girls and each one was a new way to learn to do things they are still teaching me i guess the non organic cereal really did help what with all that starch and carbonanohydrangeas and all.. 🙂

      Like

      • Abby Boid says:

        You’re doing it just perfect! Isn’t amazing how different they all can be? No way one size fits all and it is sad some people try and say that it does. Thank you for reading and commenting.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. tansal79 says:

    Oh how I loved this. I have compiled similar lists in my head many a time but you have captured it perfectly 🙂 Given my mummy friends lots of chuckles sharing this, thank you! X

    Like

  2. Denise [But First, Live!] says:

    #17, really?! That is awesome! 😀

    And darnit, 27 is still too young for me 😉 Hahahaha.
    I’m not a parent to a human, but this post was super sweet =) thnx for sharing!

    Like

  3. segmation says:

    Nice post. One thing though now that complicates things is living in today’s digital environment. As parents will need to arm ourselves all the tricks and tools to make sure our children remain happy, healthy, active, and aware, no matter how pervasive the digital world we live in becomes. Thanks for sharing!!

    Like

    • Abby Boid says:

      Yep – technology is definitely something to keep balanced with other aspects of life. I think it has a lot to offer kids. But, like many things, if not monitored it can start to take a little too much away too. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lucy says:

    There is so much wrong with this post I don’t know where to start, I truly hope people don’t take these steps as legitimate advice. The points that really concern me are – Firstly, to tell people that getting pregnant at any other age besides 27 would be “irresppnsible to society, the economy, yourself, your baby…”, how outrageous. The age of the mother is one of the least important factors when it comes to raising a child to be a healthy and successful person. As for “irresponsible to society” I think there are a million and one other reasons why a parent may be an irresponsible parent that have nothing to do with the age they got pregnant. Secondly, you say to NEVER put a baby down, it’s actually an important part of the dependency relationship between mother and child, that the child have time seperated from the mother, this creates a healthy attatchment and teaches the child to trust in the mother to come back. Thirdly, “don’t spoil your baby with cuddles”, are you serious? I’m sorry but how ridiculous, you can’t spoil a baby or a child by hugging them. Were you not told by a midwife that the baby needs to have skin to skin contact with the mother to create a bond? That bond needs to be maintained as the child grows to express love, caring and acceptance (by hugging them), read a Child Psychology book please. And the last thing I will mention, “shut the door to your babies room”, no, just no. The baby does not need to be in a room with the door closed to learn how to self-soothe or entertain themselves, you only have to be out of their eye-sight for that. In fact, not exposing a baby to external noises around the house and leaving them in a room alone does far more long-term psychological and emotional damage than many other things. I do hope to try to re-educate yourself about this subject.

    Like

    • Abby Boid says:

      Hello Lucy. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am afraid you have take this post the wrong way (unless you too are being ironic in your comments then very good!!! ). The post is saying how ridiculous the advice is that is given to parents. If you read it again you will see the whole post is full of contradictions. And that is the point – none of this is actually good advice. It’s all nonsense. I have not approved this comment on my website. I did not want to until I was sure we were reading it from the same perspective. But if you are happy for me to approve your comments, now that you have read this, then I gladly will.
      Kind regars
      Abby

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy says:

        Hi Abby, you say it’s suppose to be “ironic” but it doesn’t read that way. I read the introduction and everything and it presents like you’re giving genuine advice. Many people seem to think that too based on the comments. Maybe just make it a bit clearer in the intro that you don’t encorage anyone to follow the suggestions you’ve made.

        Like

    • carlacotto says:

      Hi Lucy,
      I agree with you. Parents are soooo desperate nowadays that they will follow any advice. The title and the introduction are somewhat miss leading, maybe because there where so many contradictions? I think she probably did that on purpose. Anyway, I wonder why any one would want to thrive to be the “perfect parent”. Just the thought of it makes my head spin..hahaha. All I know is that I am the perfect parent for my children.

      Like

      • Abby Boid says:

        I have contacted Lucy directly to answer her concerns. the post is intended as a parody of articles and books that can end up making parents feel inadequate. I too feel the quest for perfection is misguided. Other posts in my blog aim to make that clear. Thanks for commenting and reflecting on the post. Enjoy your weekends.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy says:

        The women who wrote the post replied to my comment about what I felt was wrong about it and she’ll claiming that she wrote it “ironically”, but I don’t think that’s is made clear or that it reads that way. I think many people read it and though she was giving genuine advice. Hmm..maybe she’s trying to cover her arse? I don’t know, I just felt very strongly about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. awax1217 says:

    My wife and I have three grown children. Some of your observations are dead on. I also was a teacher of seventh grade for thirty years. I noted that even in one family the children can be polar opposites. The arrangement of genes can booster your ideas or go against them. There is no sure methods only tries and stabs for the right path.

    Like

    • Abby Boid says:

      We can but try our best….whatever that may mean! It’s nice to know the perception of the problems remains similar with the benefit of a little hindsight. Makes me feel I am not totally losing the plot.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment.

      Like

  6. zareenn3 says:

    These tips cracked me up. I’m not married but I will adopt in five years. Or so I think. Sometimes I think it’s better if I don’t. I don’t know.
    I’ll look back on this then 😉

    Like

  7. sacredhandscoven says:

    Never too late to learn new parenting tricks, IMO, so even though mine are 19, 18 and 18, I figured I might pick up a trick or two to use when “grand”-parenting after the boys leave college and find and marry the perfect wives! I will also pass this sage advice on to their wives when the time comes as it is excellent advice in child rearing, it was as clear as coffee and easy to follow as a path through quicksand, which is all mothering is really. I shall enjoy more from you in the future I have a feeling 😉

    Like

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