Welcome to Parentingland.

We say, ‘welcome’, but when you look at the porridge on our chairs, our unkempt hair, and the manic look in our eyes, you might think we aren’t really welcoming you at all.

Parentingland laundry piles look like this!

 

And when parents wake up in Parentingland, they don’t feel refreshed.

They feel more tired than when they went to bed!

Oh, it really is a bewildering place!

And the Queen of Parentingland is especially bewildered.

She sits on her throne all day, worrying about all sorts of silly things.

“Oh I’m so stressed out.”, she keeps sobbing, over and over again.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Little Miss Sunshine had been on holiday.

Having no children, she’d been having-it-large in Ibiza, and now she was driving home.

Lucky little Miss Sunshine.

As she drove along, she listened happily to some club-classic-drum-n-bass-mash-up at top volume, having never even heard of the Frozen soundtrack. Then, out of a corner of her eye, she saw a signpost.

To Parentingland.

“Parentingland” she thought to herself.

“I’ve never heard of that before!”

And, because she was a single grown-up , and her time was her own, she took a detour and turned off down the road.

She came to a sign which read:

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING PARENTING LAND

And underneath it said:

SLEEP
CLEAN KITCHEN FLOORS
DRINKING COFFEE WHILE IT’S HOT
FEELING HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME
FORBIDDEN

By Order of the Queen.

“Oh dear”, thought little Miss Sunshine.

As she drove along she came to a castle with a huge door.

A soldier stopped her.

“What do you want?” he asked, wearily.

“I want to see the Queen”, smiled little Miss Sunshine in a euphoric blow-your-whistle sort of way.

“You’re under arrest” yawned the soldier.

“But why?” asked little Miss Sunshine.

“For a most serious crime” replied the soldier.

“Most serious indeed!”

The soldier marched little Miss Sunshine through the huge door.

Across a toy-strewn courtyard.

And through a giant stair gate.

And up an enormous staircase.

And along a long corridor.

And through another huge door.

And into a gigantic room, with Lego all over the floor.

And at the end of the gigantic room sat the Queen.

Rubbing her tired eyes.

“Your Majesty”, said the soldier, bowing low, “I have arrested this person for a most serious crime!”

The Queen stopped rubbing her eyes.

“She’s wide awake, and this is clearly because she has consumed something stronger than coffee. I strongly suspect she has a clean kitchen floor, and she has the demeanor of someone who is carefree and happy”

There was a shocked silence.

“She has “WHAT?” cried the Queen.

“A general demeanour of perpetual happiness”, repeated the soldier.

“But why is it not allowed to be happy all the time?” laughed little Miss Sunshine.

“She LAUGHED at me”, cried the Queen.

“Why not?” she chuckled.

“She CHUCKLED!” cried the Queen

Little Miss Sunshine giggled.

She GIGGLED!” went on the Queen.

“Seriously ma’am, she’s battered” observed the soldier, “what do you expect?”

“But why are these things not allowed?” asked little Miss Sunshine.

“Because this is Parentingland.” yawned the Queen.

“And they’ve never been allowed,” she said.

“Oh, I was a little tired and overwhelmed before you arrived” she sighed, “but now I’m unhappy!”

Little Miss Sunshine looked at her.

“But wouldn’t you like to be happy?”

She asked.

“Don’t you get it, Little Miss Sunshine, we can’t be happy all of the time. This is PARENTINGLAND”.

“Queen, take this magic, made up pill that only exists in parodies of Little Miss stories, and for the bargain price of £99.99 plus VAT, I can ensure your happiness all of the time. By a bulk load for your people, and I can ensure their happiness too.”

The Queen looked curious for a moment, as she wondered if she would take a pill that could guarantee her happiness all day every day, and whether or not she would also give this pill to her children.

Then the soldier piped up.

“Excuse me Little Miss Sunshine.”

“Yes”, smiled little Miss Sunshine.

“Happy all the time?”

“Happy all the time!” she replied, with her order form ready, passing a pen to the Queen.

“Erm. Excuse me little Miss Sunshine.”

“Yes” grinned Little Miss Sunshine, through gritted teeth now, if the truth be told.

“Like, even if the cat dies?”

“Yes.”

“Or even if we hurt someone?”

“Yes”

“Or even if Mr Tickle starts entering the bedrooms of children he does not know, or if Mr Bump bumps his head, or if Little Miss Lucky lucks out, or if we lose Mr Small, or if Mr Rude is rude to us, or if our friends over in Grandparenting land are finding things a bit hard, or if there is a natural disaster that threatens to wipe out all the Mr Men and Little Miss’s, or if we are screwed over in a banking crisis, or if our children don’t have access to decent healthcare? We will still be happy then, if we take this pill?”

Asked the soldier.

“Or” asked the Queen, “if I insist on my people being Governed within my dictatorship?”

By now, little Miss Sunshine looked more like little Miss Frosty.

“Happy. All. The. Time. Just take this pill.”

The Queen thought.

Then she and the soldier frog marched little Miss Sunshine across the gigantic room, and through the huge door, and along the long corridor, and down the enormous staircase, and through the huge courtyard, and through the huge door, to her car.

“You’re not still battered, are you?”

Asked the Queen.

“Not at the moment” grumped little Miss Sunshine.

“Then get in.”

Little Miss Sunshine drove the Queen back to the large notice.

And then, from her handbag, the Queen produced a large pen.

Five minutes later she’d finished.

Instead of saying:

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING PARENTING LAND

SLEEP
CLEAN KITCHEN FLOORS
DRINKING COFFEE WHILE IT’S HOT
FEELING HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME
FORBIDDEN

By Order of the Queen.

It now said:

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING PARENTING LAND

SMILING
LAUGHING
CHUCKLING
GIGGLING
IS SOMETIMES JUST REALLY ANNOYING.

“There” said the Queen” Now you can take your promises of eternal happiness and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

And the Queen and the soldier took a stroll back to the castle. They enjoyed the moment they were in. They appreciated that right now they were happy. They knew tough things would crop up now and then. But they knew that was part of life, and they suspected that maybe those ups and downs were often an important part of the human condition.

_________________

As for little Miss Sunshine, as she arrived home she saw Mr Happy on his way to an all night rave.

“Hello” he grinned. “Where have you been?”

“Parentingland!” she replied. “And a word to the wise. Don’t go filling that ginormous acid-faced head of yours with ideas of peddling pills round those parts.

“Those parents”, she said, “Take no nonesense.”

And they don’t.

Do they?