My Poem About Boozing is Now a Song!

A couple of years ago Lords of the Drinks ran a poetry competition. Given that I like a poem, and that my specialist subject is drinking too much, I thought I’d enter.

The poem was penned on Burns night. Here it is

A few months ago, I got an email from the other side of the world. Andrew Beban from Off the Avenue Productions was involved in writing the music for a production called “A Man Walks Into a Bar”.

Could he, he asked, use my poem and turn it into a song to be featured in the production?

Hmmm. Let me think about that.


Continue reading

Feeling flat: A poem for pancake day

Something I wrote a while back…..seemed a good moment to reshare.

Flipping tossers, eh


I wrote down everything that came to mind when I thought of pancake day. Turns out I listed the ingredients for both pancakes, and a border-line abusive relationship. Who knew! Enjoy the poem. Enjoy the pancakes. Continue reading

The last bits: A Poem for Christmas


Got a big turkey
Got a large tree
Got the best Christmas pudding
Got gammon for tea
Got cheese, got the pickles,
Got cake and biscuits
Now I just need to buy a few bits


Got enough crackers
The stockings are up
There’s logs on the fire
There’s sherry to sup
Written to Santa
Got an outfit that fits
I could just do with buying more bits


Wrapped all the prezzies
Made the last post
Polished the glasses
Got fizz for the toast
The halls are all decked
The lights are all lit
But when will I buy those last bits?


Dad pours an ale
Mum sips a gin
Nan necks a cider
The kids’ film begins
Aunt says to Uncle
“You look a bit pissed”
What’s wrong with them all? WE NEED BITS


I dash to the food hall
I’m hit with a bag
“Grab those last figs”
“That’s my stollen, you slag”
I’m rammed with a trolley
“Move it you pricks,


At last it is done
The shopping’s complete
The cupboards are full
The pantry’s replete
We could safely ride out
The apocalypse:
Thank goodness I bought those last bits







I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life. A poem

Since the youngest started school in September, I have been trying to write reflective and thoughtful and vaguely profound posts about how I have been left feeling. They were all awful. Finally, in the last 15 minutes,  I’ve written something that comes close to articulating my current situation. Enjoy!

Got the babies in the bedroom
A career? That’s in the bag
A husband who is well endowed
My tits are yet to sag

Got a superb education
A family in good health
A wide and diverse friendship group
I’ve known every type of wealth

Got experience of love and loss
I know I can survive
I’m yet to stare death in the face
Still, I’m glad to be alive

Got confidence, got inner strength
Got water, food and shelter
If life is just a ride, mines been
One awesome helter skelter

Got an appetite for silliness
Come on round – we’ll have a blast
I feel hopeful that the next half
Could be as much fun as the last

But as the kids all go to school
I’m left a spoilt and failed housewife
And when I wonder just what might come next
I realise
I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life





After the Fall – A poem


When I fell for you
I must have bumped my head
That must be why I spent so long
In your sullied bed

When I fell for you
I must have grazed my knee
That must be what was stinging,
Not the words you spoke to me

When I fell  for you
I must have hurt my foot
That must be why I stumbled
As you refined your strut

When I fell for you
I must have sprained my wrist
That must be why I didn’t fight
All those girls you kissed

When I fell for you
He must have broke my fall
That must be why you’re missing me
While I’m still standing tall